Avoiding Unhelpful Advice

When one graduates from college, two things will happen. Firstly, you will begin to experience serious reservations about your life plans, if you have them. If you didn’t have plans to start with, you will fall into the throes of existential panic and wonder where your life’s purpose has gone. Secondly, in an effort to show benevolence and wisdom, everyone around you will begin offering “helpful” advice and tips on how you should conduct the rest of your life. This well-meant advice, contrary to guiding you, will light upon your doubts like a match upon a gasoline soaked deck, and the conflagration will burn until all that remains of your confidence is a blackened ruin of self-doubt and fear.

What the Hell am I doing?!

Fortunately, there is a very simple solution to this problem: The Lie. This method will probably not work on your parents or other close relations, but it will work on most other people. Ninety-five percent of the unsolicited advice you get will come from people you don’t want to talk to anyway, such as customers at your shitty minimum wage job, and complete strangers taking public transportation with you. The Lie is perfect for diffusing these situations. It functions something like this:

Customer: “So you graduated from college? What’re your plans now?

You: “Oh, I’m going to get my MBA and move to New York I think.”

Actually, you just graduated with a degree in Communications with a minor in Bullshitting because it was the only major you managed to pass all the prerequisites for, but they don’t need to know that. Less is more, when it comes to the The Lie. But only certain lies will stop the other person from asking you deep, probing questions about your so-called plans. Here is a list of safe topics to stick to for The Lie.

Business: Everyone either doesn’t understand what you’re talking about, or they’re already bored.

Moving to Other Cities to Look for a Job: This will deflect attention away from what you’re actually doing (or not doing) to where you maybe might live, a much better topic.

Going To Grad School for Whatever Your Major Was: Even if you majored in something astronomically stupid, like noodle art. Since you already studied it, everyone will be resigned to your poor life decision, and will only sigh forlornly when you explain that furthering your passion is your post-graduate ambition. Be certain to be really enthusiastic if you choose this one.

And in contrast, here’s a list of decidedly unsafe topics for The Lie.

Anything about your Significant Other: People will tear into anything you say about your partner like hyenas into a fetid carcass. Especially if you’ve been dating someone for a long time, people will probably be more interested in what you’re going to do about your relationship than what you’re going to do about your life. This goes double if you’re female. Just don’t bring it up, you’ll be happier that way.

Going for to Med School, Law School, or Getting your Ph.D.: If you mention any of these three, people will automatically assume you’re either really stupid or really smart, and neither opinion bodes well for you. Too stupid and people will regale you with the story of how their ex girlfriend’s mother second cousin got her doctorate of medicine only to not be able to make her mortgage payments. Too smart, and people will grill you incessantly about all the schools your applying to, and then look forlorn when there aren’t any Ivies on your list.

Sometimes though, The Lie will fail, and someone will ruin your stress-free day with hordes of useless advice. The best way to cope with these people is to make them feel like the assholes they are. Give into your despair and rage. Rant a little, or a lot, and watch how they flee your presence as though you’re some sort of joy-leper. Believe me, a little goes a long way. People will remember your outburst, and instead of asking what you're doing, they're only ask you how you are.

While The Lie isn't foolproof, it's certainly handy enough to deter most people from meddling in your affairs so you can work out your quarter-like crises in the solace of your martini glass.