A Break from the Usual Program

I was sent a grand total of once to the Dean’s office when I was in High School.

My transgression? I wore a tank top to school.

The dean explained to me that I didn’t have to dress “like that” to prove that I was an attractive person. I pointed out dozens of other girls in the school were also wearing tank tops at that very moment, so it wasn’t exactly fair that I was the only one getting a lecture. I went as far to suggest that the only reason I was in his office—as opposed to any of the others—was because I had been a solid C cup girl since the age of fourteen.

And then I discovered the crux of the issue.

The dean explained that my tank top was distracting to the boys in my classes, and they didn’t learn when they were distracted. And that was why I was being written up. Because boys can’t learn when they’re confronted with the possibility that they might-maybe-possibly get a glimpse of my cleavage when I reach over to search through my backpack.

ADVERT YOUR EYES, THE END OF ORDER IS BUT A CLEAVAGE SHOT AWAY.

Needless to say, I did not buy into this tremendous injustice. I could concede that in the hormone filled haze that is highschool, less concealing clothes could be distracting. But you know what distracted me from my studies? Boys trying to throw things down my cleavage and boys making lewd comments to me in the halls—outright harassment I found far more distracting. Yet not a single one was sent to the Dean’s office.

That was the first time I had been castigated for being a woman, but it has not been the last.

Doubtlessly, many of you are already aware of the current assault on women’s reproductive rights. For those of you that don’t, here’s the gist of it. Some members of the US government hope to compromise women’s physical autonomy through oppressive and unfair legislature. But as Soraya Chemaly observes, reproductive rights are human rights, and denying one denies the other.

While it’s easy to attribute this backlash against women to the current political landscape, these debates are shockingly archaic. Chemaly notes that granting zygotes “personhood” rights would deny women their own rights, and I can’t help but recall a passage from Simon de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex addressing the same issue: “It must be pointed out that the same society so determined to defend the rights of the fetus shows no interest in children after they are born…while it refuses to accept that the fetus belongs to the mother carrying it, it nevertheless agrees that the child is his parents’ thing” (525). At a time when massive cuts hinder social programs and public education, why are we so determined to force women and their families to care for children that they cannot or do not want to care for?

The Second Sex was published in 1949. Sixty three years later, and we're still debating the same thing.

Compromising women’s reproductive rights compromises the well-being of their existing children and potential children. Children are the foundation of our future as society. When women are attacked, the well being of society as a whole is attacked. I fail to understand how anyone—prochoice or prolife—can see this differently.

If you’re a woman, if you care about a woman, or if you want to make our country a better place, support women’s reproductive rights and pass the message on before it's too late.

Avoiding Unhelpful Advice

When one graduates from college, two things will happen. Firstly, you will begin to experience serious reservations about your life plans, if you have them. If you didn’t have plans to start with, you will fall into the throes of existential panic and wonder where your life’s purpose has gone. Secondly, in an effort to show benevolence and wisdom, everyone around you will begin offering “helpful” advice and tips on how you should conduct the rest of your life. This well-meant advice, contrary to guiding you, will light upon your doubts like a match upon a gasoline soaked deck, and the conflagration will burn until all that remains of your confidence is a blackened ruin of self-doubt and fear.

What the Hell am I doing?!

Fortunately, there is a very simple solution to this problem: The Lie. This method will probably not work on your parents or other close relations, but it will work on most other people. Ninety-five percent of the unsolicited advice you get will come from people you don’t want to talk to anyway, such as customers at your shitty minimum wage job, and complete strangers taking public transportation with you. The Lie is perfect for diffusing these situations. It functions something like this:

Customer: “So you graduated from college? What’re your plans now?

You: “Oh, I’m going to get my MBA and move to New York I think.”

Actually, you just graduated with a degree in Communications with a minor in Bullshitting because it was the only major you managed to pass all the prerequisites for, but they don’t need to know that. Less is more, when it comes to the The Lie. But only certain lies will stop the other person from asking you deep, probing questions about your so-called plans. Here is a list of safe topics to stick to for The Lie.

Business: Everyone either doesn’t understand what you’re talking about, or they’re already bored.

Moving to Other Cities to Look for a Job: This will deflect attention away from what you’re actually doing (or not doing) to where you maybe might live, a much better topic.

Going To Grad School for Whatever Your Major Was: Even if you majored in something astronomically stupid, like noodle art. Since you already studied it, everyone will be resigned to your poor life decision, and will only sigh forlornly when you explain that furthering your passion is your post-graduate ambition. Be certain to be really enthusiastic if you choose this one.

And in contrast, here’s a list of decidedly unsafe topics for The Lie.

Anything about your Significant Other: People will tear into anything you say about your partner like hyenas into a fetid carcass. Especially if you’ve been dating someone for a long time, people will probably be more interested in what you’re going to do about your relationship than what you’re going to do about your life. This goes double if you’re female. Just don’t bring it up, you’ll be happier that way.

Going for to Med School, Law School, or Getting your Ph.D.: If you mention any of these three, people will automatically assume you’re either really stupid or really smart, and neither opinion bodes well for you. Too stupid and people will regale you with the story of how their ex girlfriend’s mother second cousin got her doctorate of medicine only to not be able to make her mortgage payments. Too smart, and people will grill you incessantly about all the schools your applying to, and then look forlorn when there aren’t any Ivies on your list.

Sometimes though, The Lie will fail, and someone will ruin your stress-free day with hordes of useless advice. The best way to cope with these people is to make them feel like the assholes they are. Give into your despair and rage. Rant a little, or a lot, and watch how they flee your presence as though you’re some sort of joy-leper. Believe me, a little goes a long way. People will remember your outburst, and instead of asking what you're doing, they're only ask you how you are.

While The Lie isn't foolproof, it's certainly handy enough to deter most people from meddling in your affairs so you can work out your quarter-like crises in the solace of your martini glass.