Things You Can Do Better: Pottery Barn

Have you ever looked at someone else’s work and knew at once that you could do better?

You might have experienced this feeling after watching Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch, or reading Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. It’s that sense of “Oh my God, people actually make money doing this?” coupled with despair and frank bewilderment. Why are people becoming rich doing things like this while you’re working at Blockerbuster earning minimum wage? You can totally do better than them.

This is how I feel every time I read a Pottery Barn catalogue. Yes, bad movies and novels are one thing, but at least they still require a great amount of time and personal commitment to complete. But how can you butcher a three sentence description in Pottery Barn? Now let’s be clear here. I don’t make a hobby of reading Pottery Barn catalogues. But inevitably, when I’m stuck in the dentist’s office, and stupidly forget my novel, I always end up reading Pottery Barn. If only because I still go to a pediatric dentist office for some reason, so my choice of reading material often don’t stretch beyond American Baby, Highlights, and Pottery Barn.

This is my favourite description from my most recent Pottery Barn foray.

“Found Grainsacks”

Ranging in age from 50 to 80 years old, these beautifully hand woven vintage muslin sacks were once used by grain farmers in Eastern Europe for transporting grains to the mill. Monogrammed pieces have cross-stitched initials that identified them after milling. Slight marks and variations distinguish these grain sacks as authentic vintage pieces; let us choose for you. Use them with our king-sized pillow inserts (sold separately) to create truly unique pillow covers.

Grainsack $89 Monogrammed Grainsack $99

There is so much in this description that makes me sad, I hardly know where to start. A “found grainsack” in this instance must have to mean “bought very cheaply from a family that obviously did not know the value of its ancestors’ muslin sack heritage,” because how else could Pottery Barn get away with selling a single grainsack for $89 dollars? Or a monogrammed one (monogrammed with not your initials, mind you, but the original grainsack owners’) for $99? After all, a grainsack without any grain inside it isn’t very useful: Pottery Barn admits that much. That’s why they’ll sell you the pillow insert for an additional $20! That’s about $110 per pillow. Do you know how many pillows I can buy at Target for that amount (it’s about eleven, I just looked it up)? Also, do you really want to wrap a 50 to 80 year old grainsack around the thing you’ll be putting your face on every night after it’s been carried over the sweaty shoulders of burly European men and tossed on the backs of their hairy, unwashed donkeys for an unknown period of years? Because when you get down to it, that’s the sort of splendid opportunity you’re paying for. This grainsack has been used and abused in unspeakably horrible ways for all its natural life, and you’re paying for the opportunity to rub your face in its nefarious legacy night after night. Don’t get me wrong, I love history. But this is a little too close and personal for my comfort.

Originally, I was going to devote an entire post to all the ridiculous things people do to make money. But then I realized that the possibilities in this category are truly endless. So, until next time, enjoy your $110 pillow!